journeys of a genderqueer

bovver_boi @ 2009-01-01T13:41:00

2009-01-01T13:49:36Z

I am deleted from your life so I need to delete you. You make it easy for yourself by making me the bad guy, but of course I'm the bad one, I'm a man, its always my fault. I'm sad and angry. I can't access my own community cause you dominate it. I feel isolated. Struggling, sad that I don't get any support. Wheres my support? Gender is a funny thing we can all [in the queer community] try and deconstruct it and not let it govern us, but when it comes down to it when a girl cries everyone runs to her side, when a man is hurt and angry people push him away, even if he could cry.. people don't see him as vulnerable or someone that needs support, more they see him as a pathetic loser. If he is angry then he is seen as aggressive and should be treated as an abuser even if he has never been violent, he has just expressed his emotions the only way he can. I wish I could cry and be comforted, but I can't.

Colliding into myself eventually

2008-03-06T15:03:12Z

I feel like I'm not me.. yet... I am working towards me... I feel I'm floating away from my old life and the person I was, further and further I am drifting. I sometimes wonder if I will always feel this way, constant motion, distance, will I find a home again?. But something major has happened, is happening, and it means my life will be completely different forever....past memories, its like a different life.. its not this life I'm in now. I'm starting again. I'm a new person. I'm a child again, but childhood this time is with no parents, no family.. just some friends and a lot of hard work, and a really hard world to do it in. But its not all bleak, not at all, because this time I'm incontrol, I'm stearing the boat, nobody is trying to mould me, I'm moulding myself.

bovver_boi @ 2008-02-18T20:24:00

2008-02-18T20:33:12Z

All I'm doing is fighting. Climbing the runner with one hand tied behind my back, people just dropping things on my face from the level above. All I want is to get on, but they don't wanna let me, the police are always there telling me I don't belong, not untill I do this and this and this to conform. Not untill ya know where ya from...so they can put you in ya place. But I'm a pikey gypsy, don't know where I'm from.. my house was torn and the pieces just went flying, and I'm just trying to find them.

bitter and frustrated

2008-02-18T20:19:54Z

I feel so frustrated with all my so-called communities these days, its so bitchy, everyone just attacking each other, feeding each others paranoia and insecurities. Nobody is putting out their hands and saying 'I'll help you' because that aint cool.. its 'cool' to say smart alec remarks.. set up new hollow communities after hollow projects, nothing really in them just plenty labels and plenty of invitations, clock up the numbers on their 'friends page' or put on new events because then its looks like they're actually doing something, when really their just time-wasting and bitchin. Where is THE STRUGGLE!! you know where, it aint there...coz its just some rich kids pretendin they got it hard, and then theres some people who actually have got it hard falling for it!! then falling flat down on their faces, on the fuckin dirt of what isn't there. You know what... fuck the the lot of them! I'll build my own fucking life from the dirt that you give me, your not having my face clocking up your friends page.

bovver_boi @ 2007-01-18T19:41:00

2007-01-18T19:41:58Z

Ok so what is Art? what is the point in it and why do I do it?
Art is in itself is a word which is elitist.. implying something is an artform holds it higher than a mundane function or activity, it is a mystifying word, like 'genius', it makes it seem like something only certain people can do. Art is something which can be almost anything as long as somebody says that it is 'art'..and as long as that person has enough status, and so therefore respect, to make people believe them, then it becomes 'art'. These concepts re-enforce ideas of authorship, ownership, property and also hierarchy which I fundamentally disagreewith. Ok so why do I make 'art'
...because it makes me feel better, because it externalises the internal.. because it excercises my ego, because other people think I'm cooler, because if I don't..I go insane! because I think humans have big brains and so they need to do stuff which challenges them. I think art can challenge other people. I think sometimes art can makes people think in a different way. But ultimately I think it does aid more alienation between people.

"visual images now mediate experience so completely that the visual image in itself has become an instrument of alienation" - POETIC MATERIALISM AS PRACTICAL REVOLUTION

So what other ways can I stop myself going mad.. challange myself, other people.. without aiding alienation, without living life through images..

Recently I have had so many invitations for projects.. all over the shop.. I have to be carefull not to be consumed and remember what I want to do.

I want to live my life.. not my art. I want to make things happen that I want to happen. I want people to learn from me. I want to learn. I don't wanna conform. I wanna break the rules. I want to do what I desire, not just express my desire through images.

bovver_boi @ 2006-10-10T18:41:00

2006-10-10T17:46:43Z

stillness is illness.. I feel it swelling inside. stale boredom. I am trapped by my own failure to conform yet conformaity traps me further.. can't go anywhere people will oppress me for what I've done or not done how I am or are not. I need to be a good citizan to move around space. I am trapped by being in poverty. Everywhere is taxed. Everything taxes me. My imagination is spilling down the drain untill all that is going to be left is what I can see, the ideals fed to me by the tv.

Self-Harm and Healing

2006-08-16T17:20:29Z

My friend once said everytime in his life something major changes, the end of a relationship or the death of a friend he gets a new tattoo or a new piercing. ('With the amount of relationships you have, that could end up being very expensive!' I thought)

I've been reading this book the last few days called 'Bodies Under Siege: Self Mutilation and Body Modification in Culture and Psychiatry'... Certain aspects of it really made sense to me. Considering the book is written by a guy who isn't a self harmer.. it really seems to get rid of a lot of the myths surrounding self-harm, and also confronts a lot western attitudes towards self-harmers through drawing on historical and non-western cultural practises involving mody multilation/modification, sacrfice, self punishment etc. What brings people to self-harm? this is a question even I have asked myself, as a self-harmer, because in the culture I live in and in my enviroment so much shame is brought upon someone who hurts themselves physically, it is something to be embarrassed about, you end up believing what people tell you; i.e your an attention seeker...its a cry for help..you are suicidal..you are crazy etc etc yet it is totally exceptable to get totally trashed when you feel shit..or chain smoke some fags when your stressed.

The main interesting thing that repeatedly comes up in this book, is that harming the body is often used in many cultures as a way of healing it. This may sound strange, but I think it makes a lot of sense, if you think about it, in most religous books there will be stories of iconic figures/heroes/heroines perposefully going through periods of intense pain, whether its jesus giving us his body, letting himself be stoned at the cross, or tibeten monks beating themselves with sticks, starving themselves, depriving themselves of light etc. Also in some tribal communities, stories of shamens going through levels of consciousness, different plains of existense where what they have bascailly gone through..is HELL, having their skin torn off, there flesh cut into pieces, being burned.. and then 'dying' and coming back to life and more able and wiser person to then heal others.
So can pain heal? can the spilling of blood heal? what is it that heals us.. the fact that in some other cultures they may believe that cutting certain parts of the body releases demons or bad spirits has never entered my mind when I have cut my-self, neither has it ever felt like a sacrifice for my community or for god.. but yet I have often noticed a certain ritual happen when I have cut myself, but it is a ritual that has come from me. Maybe it is like a lot of ritual, a way of confiming something to the self. When a person does a magic spell they are not speaking to the spirits because who says that spirits speak english or any language for that matter, the words in a spell are to confirm an intention to the self.. to channel an intention. If that is the case what am I channeling, what is the intention in my ritual? is it to heal?...

When I have harmed myself it usually happens when some event has happened, something which has made me snap inside, a revelation (a bad revelation, but a revelation none the less), something that usually makes me angry. And the act of hurting is a confirmation of that revelation, that intense feeling. It could be a revelation about a person you loved, your family, a belief you held, yourself, the system as a whole. Sometimes cutting is angry and violent, sometimes cutting is carefull and considered depending on the revelation which has accured... the more I think about it the more it can be like painting or drawing.. or making music... the ways in which I have cut myself have a pattern, they can be symbols that mean something to me in that moment, even if they don't make sense to anyone else. But there is an element to it which you can't get out of drawing or painting... its like the blood, the pain and the scarring are all part of the spell.. all part of what you have learned, the pain you've felt, the physical process of what you are going through inside, on the outside, pain then healing.

Even as I describe it I also know that it is not that simple. Sometimes I think its about freedom, or settin yourself free.. when you have felt trapped for along time (maybe in depression, or in mundanity, or in a relationship) sometimes something snaps inside you, you no longer care about what people think, usually because you have gone beyond any kind of respect for people, the world or life, that is why the scars don't matter, that is why the blood doesn't matter, that is why the pain doesn't matter, because in that instance you no longer care what people will think of you, and although the reasons for that may be really bad, the process that you are going through is freeing you enough from the situation to get some perspective..

Ok, I realise I sound like I am glorifying it, I do not reccomend it to anyone by no stretch of the imagination, I just believe that is just as much a valid way of dealing with things as is getting trashed and shagging someone you really don't fancy, which seems to be a common way of dealing with things, I do however think just cutting youself is only a temporary way of dealing with something, I think this because when a person cuts themselves they usually forget or sweep under the carpet what they have learned, they don't see it as a sign to change certain things in their life. But if the things that get you down are things that are very difficult or impossible to change, like being in a repressive society for instance or being in prison (similar things in my book), then at least its not killing yourself, at least its not for ever.

By the way this is just what *I* think, and right now, this is not however what I think self-harm is for everyone and might not be what I think tomorrow.

Junk

2006-08-07T15:23:54Z

its so hard. pretending to be so many people to keep afloat. mess. self-hurt. thoughts of death. but tell nobody. lovers refuse to be with mental people. so pretend your not. secretly knowing this is not healthy. just to stop tipping over. need to keep pretence. I am not tough. want people to believe i am because I hate pity. I am not weak. Battling with life and death, male and female. Why must I choose. Constantly fluctuating. man woman, alive dead. just want to be happy, still or moving. I stop and switch, now thinking about sex, need sex like air or food, i am starving. people I meet become sums, can I fuck them? do I want them? is there any point? I'm constantly drawing bodies, parts of them. sexual parts.. arms, legs, arses, cunts cocks, throats, armpits. Stop telling me I'm beautifull, I am an ugly person and I'm proud of it. I'm nasty and mean. I enjoy violence, I thrive in filthy thoughts, Most people think I'm ugly. Most people think I'm weird. Some people love me sometimes, mostly they wish I was somebody else. But I am strong. I won't change. Cause I like my uglyness. I discust myself and I like it. So fuck you. No doubt I was happier before.Before living in tower blocks. Before being alone. Before my independance.. I feel more dependant now I'm independant. Junk is my life. I am wasted, My life is wasted. Time wasted. Using waste. Fucking waste. Wastefull fucking. Junk fills the gaps in my heart. Junk keeps me going....down hill....and back....junk is my body, junk is my genetalia....junk is everything. Tanked. Wasted. Oiled. Battered. Wankered. Moistened. Trashed. Fucked. Blavered. Trollied. Screwed. There are reasons we drink and reason you don't. I live in memories of people who cared. I felt good then. just hate no hope just junk no life just addiction no enthusiasm no revolution just cynisism. That is how I feel now.

part 4 storytime

2006-08-07T14:35:46Z

Time lapsed as the fucking organsm still fucked.. the boys soft and hard body grew.. the creature returned to the genderless genderful human form.. eyes glowing and mouth open.. rocking harder and harder against the boys body... electric energy surged through their fuck machine... sweat poured from every pore on every part of both of their bodies.. images of hard cocks and wet holes rubbing against and inside each other ran through their minds, tits moving, muscles tensing and cum flowing...both screaming, growling and moaning, the creature took charge of this cum, moving even harder, pulling the boys nipples hard and screaming at him... shouting words that changed in the boys head from 'give' to 'take' depending on what moved him harder into a cum... then both just shouted to their gods which were in fact, themselves... and cum and sweat just poured down as they slowly stopped and collapsed on each other... the boy now a grown-up and the creature still the gender-free person they were before. Covered in musk and the faint but increasing sound of music outside and animals talking, each others heart beating. Soft breathing..sinking into a strong wet kiss. The boys questions were answered. They now went to sleep.

Amino Acids for mental and physical health

2006-07-08T12:23:45Z

As I've been looking into ways of treating my depression..

I have found I am most probably histadelic (see Previous article) [Excess Histamine Levels], which means that I am more likely to have compulsive behavior, depression, high metabolism, High sensitivity, allergies, over active imagination, higher sexual desire, prone to suicidal thoughts, large appetite, be more creative, get more colds and many more things.
The reason a person may get this is most probably due to diet or perhaps an inability to digest certain amino acids. 40% of schizophrenics have histdelia. You can have your histamine levels checked to see one way or another if you suffer/benefit from this.

I reason I say suffer/benefit because obviously some of the symptoms are not negative, a fast thinking mind, a big imagination, higher creativity, higher sexual desire and high metabolism may not be negative things, but if you suffer from suicidal thoughts and depression, perhaps uncontrollable and scary delusions or if your sex drive is out of control and it just leaves you frustrated, obsessive, disturbed then maybe its worth looking into treatment.

Another aspect of histadelia is that symptoms can inscrease in spring and summer seasons, this is because histelics are senstive to hot weather, bright light, pollen. I have noticed that I get more depressed and stressed in summer, and also much more allergic.

I have found out that the amino acid Methionine is what mediates your histamine levels, so a diet that is high in methionine should sort out your histamine levels. Foods that are highest in methionine are Sunflower seeds, Spinach, Green Peas and corn, foods that high but not as high are Broccoli, Mushroom, Cauliflower, Avocado, Bean sprouts, potatoes.

I personally eat a lot of these foods already but I still seem to suffer, so I have just started to supplement methionine because maybe I need more.. or my body is inefficient at absorbing it. This may mean I need to look at why my body is inefficient at absorbing it. But first I will see what happens with the supplements and I will see if my symtoms decrease, I will monitor this through writing in my journal and my diary. If this doesn't work I will have to seriously look at why my body doesn't absorb it.. maybe there is another vitamin/amino acid/mineral that I am lacking that helps the absorbtion of methionine. I read in certain books calcium is also helpful for high histamine levels but have not found out why, maybe it helps methionine to absorb? maybe not.

Anyway there is many Amino acids that help your body do many different things, I found this really interesting article which list many amino acids and describes what they help with, you may be able to work out what you are lacking though these descriptions.

Info on amino acids and what they do for you:
http://www.theamericanvoice.com/aaaefr.html

Help in diagnosis for histelia:
http://www.diagnose-me.com/cond/C447056.html

Info on methionine in food:
http://www.hcusupport.com/diet.htm

Depression and histadelia
http://www.campaignfortruth.com/Eclub/100702/depressionandsuicide.htm

Psychodelic Histadelic romantic boombastic

2006-07-06T15:27:50Z

I found this on a website.. found it really interesting.. as I have all the symptoms..

Have your histamine level checked

We all produce histamine, but some of us produce more than others. When histamine levels are too high, a person is more likely to be depressed, compulsive and have abnormal thinking. Histadelics – people who produce high levels of histamine tend to produce more mucus and tears and so can cry more easily. They have a faster metabolism and are fast oxidisers and the rapid oxidation means a person can eat a lot and never gain weight. They usually have long fingers and toes with the second toe longer than the big toe. Histadelics usually have an easy and well-sustained orgasm and higher than usual sex drive. They also often suffer from insomnia, are hooked on excess sugar in tea or coffee and like alcohol and other drugs having a high tolerance level. If you have the signs of high histamine, it's worth having your histamine levels checked?

If I have this, it explains a lot.. I have suffered from depression all my life.. even when I was a child, and aswell as that I have suffered from really bad aesthma and allergies..but even though I've suffered from depression I have always had a extemely high sex drive and large appetite which are the opposite effects that usual depression suffers get. I have always eaten a LOT of food and never been really fat, sometimes I have been chubby but that was puppy fat when being a kid. My second toe is also longer than he rest of them! How weird is that!!

storytime part 3

2006-07-03T13:14:32Z

The boy was layed on his back and the genderless genderfull person crawled ontop of him.. the person transformed from animal to animal, gender to gender..cat, bull, man, woman, lizard, bird, fluid like some mythological shapeshifting beast, the person touched the boys soft flesh and hard muscles, grazing each of his nipples with the soft stubble on the creatures face. Always a mixture of masculine roughness and feminine gentle teasing.. power shifting as fleetingly as with the creatures changing expressions. But Always love. As the beast touched the boys breasts they changed into hard muscled pecks and as the creatures finger moved down his stomach, scratching his belly flesh, down the centre grew hair in curls and became a path that the person made as their hand moved, downward, untill it reached the wet cunt of the boy, the boy moaned, his body looked like what he always imagined it should, and felt better than he ever could imagine, all apart from his wet cunt, which felt amazing but wasn't what he always wanted, but he didn't care..the person caressed his clitoris, as the boy became increasingly excited the clitoris grew into a large erect penis, the creature taking it in its mouth and hands, licking it up and down with its large tongue and long fingers, the fingers then probing into him.. he didn't care what the creature was entering,. all the parts of him no longer had labels, he was just a fucking organism..no gender, just roughness and gentleness, just holes and phallouses, ridges and curves...and most prominantly, he felt amazing. Now he could feel a phallous entering a hole, but he had no clue who's or where or how..the creature just moved hard against him. Growling like a tigar. Clawing his shoulders and neck.. licking the sweat from inbetween the boys chest curves with its long lizard tongue. They fucked hard, sweating and growling, screaming and scratching, biting and humping.

storytime part 2

2006-07-03T10:36:27Z

...The person waved both hands in a magical gesture, like magic, the boy was compelled to take all of his clothes off, he no longer felt ashamed, the person sat infront of the boys naked body, and tied a string with feathers and beads over the boys head. They both sat there in front of each other, they felt the same. The person touched the boys body all over..kissed him gently on the face, then on the lips, the warm moist kiss of this creature filled him with love.. and he could feel it healing all of his wounds, all the confusion, all the tormenting remarks, the abuse he had taken, all was soothed by the warm kiss of this beautiful creature. The beautiful creature took the boys hand and took him down onto a bed.. the bed was small and covered with hand inked material, the mattress was made from soft hair from some animal.. and smelled of a mixture of animal, burnt wood, flowers and delicious bitter/sweet sweat and cum. The person/creatures eyes were lit with desire at the boy, like a cat who'd caught a mouse.. but the boy wasn't scared, he knew he was safe and his own desire kept him firmly there, he felt a strange mixture of complete submission to this wonderful being and in total control of everything...

I ching

2006-07-03T10:00:58Z

Meng / Youthful Folly

_____
__ __ above Ken KEEPING STILL, MOUNTAIN
__ __
__ __
_____ below K'an THE ABYSMAL, WATER
__ __

THE JUDGEMENT

YOUTHFUL FOLLY has success.
[Not knowing everything can help you achieve what you want?]
It is not I who seek the young fool;
The young fool seeks me.
[You cannot try and be foolish, it is something which you become]
At the first oracle I inform him.
If he asks two or three times, it is importunity.
If he importunes, I give him no information.
[Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you ask, you will have to just wait and see]
Perseverance furthers.
[Just keep going, don't stop to ask]

THE IMAGE

A spring wells up at the foot of the mountain:
The image of YOUTH.
Thus the superior man fosters his character
[You'll be a better man if you cultivate your character,
nurture good parts, weed the bad]
By thoroughness in all that he does.
[Be thorough in everything you do]

THE LINES

I got nine in the second place and six in the third and fourth places.

Nine in the second place means:
To bear with fools in kindliness brings good fortune.
[To be kind to people even if they are foolish, brings good fortune]
To know how to take women
Brings supreme good fortune.
The son is capable of taking charge of the household.

Six in the third place means:
Take not a maiden who, when she sees a man of bronze,
Loses possession of herself.
[Do not go with a woman who goes for money over love]
Nothing furthers.

Six in the fourth place means:
Entangled folly brings humiliation.
[Pretending to understand when you don't brings humiliation?]

Storytime part 1

2006-07-02T21:31:23Z

Once upon a time there was a boy.
The boy ran around all day doing amazing but also totally mundane shit things.
He lived in a world where everyone said he was a girl because he had breasts and a cunt. They would say that stuff that he wanted to do and the way he was acting was like a boy. The boy didn't know what to do, for this was just how the boy was and even if he tried to be a girl he never quite got it right, and anyway, he didn't feel right at all being that way and what ever he did they would make fun of him for it.

People never accepted him as as a full person, he was always not man enough or not woman enough... so this boy never grew up, never became a man or a woman.. when he tried to do the things adults did he got stopped. He got ID'd everywhere for buying cigerettes and booze, didn't get let into clubs and didn't get taken seriously by anyone. One day when walking along a street he walked through a bus shelter, as he walked through he became magically transported to another time and place, or at least it seemed so, the ground was dry and muddy and people lived in houses made from mud and straw. They wore very little clothing, they were not ashamed of they're bodies, they walked almost naked with total confidence. The boy asked them if they thought he was a man, for some reason he thought that might know and they said yes, but of course you are, he must of grown up to one when being transported their! he saw a hut with masks attached all around the outside, he could see light shining inside the hut. like a fire was burning, he walked into it, there was a person inside. The boy could not tell the gender of the person. The person was adorned with the richest array of beads and feathers. The person was totally calm, like in a trance. The boy felt welcomed in by this persons state of calm.. he asked the person, curiously, if they were a man or a woman?.. the person answered in a calm way that they were both and neither, they had been male and female.. been human and animal, spirit and body.. all and none.. The person stood up and then unashamedly displayed their body. A small penis lay on top of cunt lips. Soft hair growing down from above the cock to below it and over the cunt lips. Two small breasts with peirced hard nipples stuck out at him....The boy felt his own nipples harden and his cunt become moist, his clitoris grew untill it felt like a huge penis inside his boxer shorts..the beautiful mixture of feminine and masculine, and the energy of the person made his body ache.. he knew the answers to his questions were only gonna be fullfilled through this person.

To be continued.

Beautiful dream

2006-06-29T17:48:22Z

I am wearing a pinstripe dark blue suit.. pale blue shirt, dark blue tie, red rose in my pocket.. you are wearing a bright red top and bright red knee high socks and a 40's cream coloured lace dress underneath and converse pumps with pink laces. We are dancing slow next to a tree in the middle of a green field, the sun is setting. we are next to an old record player..where tunes of billie holiday are playing.. you kiss me gently on the face, your hands straightening my collar.. and whispering the words into my ear...

Holding on..

2006-06-27T12:36:59Z

Sometimes its hard to hold on.so much is happening.I'm moving fast but times going slow.a week is an eternity.next time I see you I'll be someone else.but I'm trying to hold on.but your so far away.and I'm ready to go.I know the direction I'm going isn't as good.but your too slow.

Recent thoughts...

2006-06-25T17:10:45Z

...Some thoughts I may or may not construct into an article that makes sense.

Fear, Depression and living with suicidal thoughts.

On average I reckon I think about suicide 20 times a week. Sometimes I just fantasise about it.. like its a dream.. or a story I'm creating in my head... sometimes when I'm in a low patch I will desire doing it...obviously because I'm writing this I have never actally gone through with it to its conclusion. Suicidal thoughts result in a range of different ways, either writing.. sometimes getting angry and doing strange things like breaking things in my house or my possessions (or other peoples possessions), or sometimes breaking myself (cutting, burning, boozing, smoking, drugging etc).. sometimes by becoming a hermit (a sort of mini suicide of sorts)... sometimes, if I can think a bit more outwardly than just myself (and slightly more hopefully).. I can transport these dark feelings into creative projects... a desire to help people... a desire to change the world to stop myself feeling so bad about the world I live in. I heard a great quote once "My depression is like a spade, its is heavy but I can dig with it" I think it is important not to see depression as an illness or disorder nessessarily, if you do then you will see it as a weakness...or a disability, remember sadness and fear do not in themselves disable you.. they are just feelings.. it is the mindset of victim or disabled person which is the disabling factor.

Fear and anxiety are the biggest roots of suicidal thoughts... a fear of not being loved enough, a fear of pain, you may fear a loss of status, a fear of not achieving your goals, a fear of not living up to expectations.. these can all be enough to send you over the edge... suicides often increase around exam periods at colleges, at christmas periods etc why do you think that is? I think its a fear of not achieving your goals.. or living upto expectations.. and ultimately that mostly boils down to the fear of losing the respect and love of your peers/family... I find what often helps in these situations is looking at a bigger picture.. whats the worse case scenario?... ok so (this is hypothetical)...you haven't been to your dujitsu classes for six months.. and your dream was to be a champion... ok the worst that will happen is you get a bit flabby, your not a champion.. some people might fancy you less... you might not get as much sex, you might not have as much respect from your peers... but who cares! you can deal with that! and if thats the worse case scenario and you can deal with it then stop worrying about it! Do as much as you feel like.. push your self if you can.. but don't let fear end everything altogether. Do what you can to make yourself feel better. First step could be just getting up and getting dressed... Or doing some sit-ups or going to see your teacher to sort something out... phoning someone you haven't spoken with for ages... filling out a form that is overdue... but before that first step, if fear makes you want to recoil and go back to bed, or put a razor blade to your skin... try welcoming the fear, meetin it face-to-face... let it flow through you like a wave... don't worry about being worried, feel it...if you accept it you have control over it... it then will start to disapate and you will feel more at ease... or perhaps the feeling will excite you (this has happened to me) and you will feel energised by the adrenaline into action..

New thoughts on labels and transitioning

2006-06-01T13:52:44Z

What am I?

I could say, I don't believe in gender or sexuality... but to some people their gender and sexuality catogory is very important to them and for validating their identity. For example being a woman.. or being a lesbian or being transgendered or even calling yourself something quite fluid like 'genderqueer'... I have recently said in a journal entry that I believe labels are tools to aid us to describe who we are.. what we have been through... etc etc, I'm no longer sure if this is the case...

My friend D talks about the voice a lot, shes the singer of my band, she says the voice is something which is constructed out of a 'scitzophrenic arrangement of a million floating I's', I think what she means by this is a voice can project millions of identities as we absorb identity from everything we touch/experience and a lot of which we don't, we learn it through history, books, film, imagination etc, a lot of which we absorb and all we absorb becomes part of our voice... and also conflicts with itself... it contains identities that seem opposing, or seem unconnected, or seem like they cannot exist in one voice.. like a simple example would be it containing strength and weakness, evil and good, real and dellusional...etc etc.... we can have the voice of a predator and of prey... prisoner and a prison guard...

I think this is the same with our 'personality'.. which I think, for the purpose of this article, is a better word than identity because the problem with identity is that identity is the system of describing ourselves.. personality IS ourselves... and by that I don't mean like some core being... I mean the constantly changing.. conflicting with itself.. chaos self.. the problem with identity is as soon as it is stated it restricts because it can only ever use the labels and words we are given... and it often only exists also as one word.. like woman, gay, lesbian.. and the one word, or I, has many meanings, descriptions, no matter how you try and make them mean what you want them to mean they still mean different things to different people and probably don't describe you very well.

So I believe our personalities are also a schizophrenic arrangement of a million (and by a millions I don't mean the number I mean an unthinkable amount an undefinate amount) 'floating I's', we are not one person, we are lots of people (and animals, probably plants too!) people we have met, seen, heard, read or even just imagined... we are little fragments of all of this.. all of which are constantly moving, fading and shining and growing.. feeding of each other...conflicting... kllling parts off and then them parts becoming tiny memories and then disappearing and then maybe coming back as ghosts and then taking over us again...or maybe not...how it changes is different from person to person.

So when it comes to gender/race/sexuality/Class etc it is difficult because this is identity, this isn't ourselves... it is how we describe ourselves because of our color, who we sleep with, whats between our legs, our economic background, how we feel, what we desire, but identity is also important because it is how we have been catogorised and has determined which way we have been oppressed.. this is the conflicting problem... its important because of how we are catogorised.

The identity given to me at birth because of my cunt, or more likely, my lack of penis, is 'woman'... The identity given to me by the people who don't know me on the street probably ranges from 'Dyke' to 'Adolescent Boy' to 'White skinhead thug' to 'Trendy art student' or possibly 'Transgendered person'.... The identities I have given myself secretly and outwardly over the years range from Boy....Butch....Masculine female....inbetween....???....Dominant....submissive....faggot....straight boy.....dyke.....BiSexual.....Feminine woman......Stone Butch.....Genderqueer.....Transgendered....man......Girl...... As much as I might say I feel male and have always felt male... and by the way, I am not lying when I say that..... I have definately felt 'male'...BUT.... I still don't know what it feels like to *be* a man? I don't know what a man *is* really?... I have definately felt my cock.... I definately fantasised about physically being male, I have definately felt a very male 'energy' flow through me when I fuck people, but how much of that is just playing roles I've seen and heard?...how much of that is fetish? how much of the whole of me is roles or fetish?

I do *know*, however, that I have never fantasised about being physically female...but then again I have felt a lot of things people *assocciate* with being female, i.e I have felt nurturing, submissive, passive, protective, bitchy, objectified... I have also felt a lot of things associated with being male...aggressive, dominant, active, ignorant, violent, insensitive, logical, practical, powerful etc....but I think everyone has.... haven't they?.. thats what I mean when I say we are made up of millions of I's, we are often all those things, and sometimes we are those things at the same time...

I cannot separate myself from the identity I was given at birth.. it has a lot to answer for... I cannot I separate myself from the identity people give me now, even if I feel it is wrong... I know how I *prefer* people to see me (at least most of the time)... I know how, when people see me like that, I feel good, sexy etc... I know that when I see myself like that I feel good... but I also know that it is not all I am... and sometimes is not who I am at all!... but it is as much me as anything else and it is what I like.

But would I be happier if we did not have to label ourselves with words and we could just explain with our bodies and sounds and music what we are, where we have been and what we desire... can't I say with my eyes who I fancy... and how I want to fuck with my kisses (or my lack of kisses)?.. but we live in a world of systems of symbols and words, a system that assumes I am a certain way because of my tits and so I have to fight back with my clothes and my labels... and when the world fights me with words and symbols I need to fight back with them too... but when we get over that then its time to use the eyes and kisses instead... or maybe we can use both.

x

Crazy day

2006-03-31T15:30:57Z

All my feeling flowing through my body and mind..obsession, dream, desire, compulsion, addiction, lust, fantasy, love, hate, boredom, anxiety, tired, inspired, dopey, content, hurt, fear, anticipation, hunger, nausiated, stale..I try and make sense of things through tarot..I pull out a card at random..The Tower...Tall dark tower, height of mysticism, trapped in a phallous, trying to fly free [from patriarchy? from my own masclinity, from gender?]. Doesn't help..makes my mind go carry on spinning..Stillness I find between my knees.....breath in.....breath out.........let it all flow through.........phewwwwwwwww..........little niggle.. here and...there.........SSS....TO.....AHHHHHOHHHH.. ....PPP!.......thiiiiiiiinkiiiiiing..........breath...........in...
.................out...............

todays reading

2006-03-24T12:13:08Z

Ok so I'm new, I have been reading tarot for a few years, just out of books but recently have been trying to read them without any books. I haven't done it religously, just casually every now and again so am far from expert. Have decided the best way to learn is to learn the Major Arcana and then learn what all the numbers mean and then learn what the suits mean and then your court cards, then you can read the meanings of each number combined with the suit etc this seems to work ok with me so far. But any tips is always good. Heres my reading for today I would like you imput, maybe your interpretations. (By the way this reading is for my self I know people say you shouldn't do this, but I find it very effective). It sort of peters out a bit.

I use the Celtic Cross nearly all the time (I know there is different versions of the CC though).

1) The Significater (this is me) : Page of Penticles

2) The First Aspect of the Situation: Five of Swords

The soldier is picking up fallen swords. Their is two people in the distance. He looks tired. For me I think this means a battle has just ended and the soldier is clearing up. The two people in the distance are symbolic of a few different things, the two I think can be symbolic of other people, to remember other people, don't just collect what you can and leave theres others to consider. But it also could symbolise moving on, they are moving toward another project, should I join them, can I face it? The fact the two people are so far away I think symbolises a bigger picture, or the picture is trying to say 'don't just see the swords lying on the floor, see the bogger pisture, see the possiblities and see everything as connected even if it seems far away'.

3) Second aspect (also seen as the protecting aspect as it covers the 1st): Judgement

Reckoning with the past, waying it up, what am I proud of? what things have been worthy, what things have brought shame, nows the time to weight it all and deal with the good and the bad. Make peace with it. Also its about making decitions, have the battles I've chosen good battles? when I've made the decition I can move forwards.

4) The root of the situation: Nine Of Cups

WIsh and dreams coming true, creativity and idea's paying off. Creative Fullfillment and wealth and security.

5) Recent Past: Seven Of Cups

creativity in chaos, dreamyness, looseness, many choices coming out of a spurt of chaos. Perhaps too chaotic for creativity? it sugguests to look at the options chaos can bring andperhaps bring order to them, make them real.

6) Possible Outcome (Trend or Direction): Death

Change, shedding old skin. Clearing things up to start new projects, Closing some doors to open new ones. Loosing attachment to our physical selves to liberate our potencial.

7) Near Future (temporary): Justice

Decitions, getting whats coming. Trying to find a conclusion. Have I done good, I will hopefully find out. I will get what I deserve in the end.

8) Myself in the situation, what I am contributing to the situation: 7 of Rods

What I want will come to me if I work hard, don't give up. It won't be easy. Maybe its saying I am working hard and it will pay off. Of maybe its saying I should be working hard or I think I should be working hard. Not sure how to read this.

9) My enviroment and the people around me: The Chariot

The chariot Takes us where we want to go, but its a difficult journey. Its not a Jet plane. But it will get us their if we try hard enough.

10) Hope and fears: 9 of Rods

I'm not sure whether this is a hope or a fear which happens to me a lot. But It think its a fear of more struggle and hard work and also a hope of struggle and hard work, I can do it! I WILL do it! but I don't really want to, I'm tired! Its like walking though a forest, you go through many obsticles but you have to keep on going.

11) Final Outcome: King of Cups

Learning to balance my emotions and creativity, having control over them, but not repressing them. Being in touch with emotions, being responsible and sensitive, being a good councellor, a good thinker and creater. A mixture of masculine control and practicalness and watery style emotional and creativity.

I feel like a proton

2006-03-13T13:43:02Z

I feel like a proton inside an atom attracting and repelling to create a molecule which manifests within the fibre of the sperm swimming in the fluid of the ball sack on the the body of a person who takes an exceptionally long time to cum.

Queer/Feminist Reading group Discussion

2006-03-05T21:51:21Z

"but it [Top surgery] was the first step of many along that path"

I feel that the way she descibes his journey or growth as a path is quite restrictive language to use, like its a linear progression from one point to another, which I think contradicts her point later about trans not being a progression from a to b, but I suppose what she is trying to say is it isn't nessesarily a path to the MALE gender, but she still describes it as a 'path' which in itself limits the full complexity of everything that has happened to this individual from all directions and a multitude of different ways, past, present and future.(B)

"On the one hand, his decision was confusing to me. On the other hand... natural."

She also refers to some kind of essential way of being a lot in this text, saying things such as 'natural' when really the fact that she married the guy and lived with him should be enough to conclude he may make the decisions he made.. I mean she probably guessed how he felt about his body to some degree by sleeping with him for so long.. for a start! 'sense' or 'natural' progression are noting to do with it, perhaps a little intuition..(B)

"I feel most fulfilled as a femme. I understand and celebrate this sort of sexual connection more than any other. While I can visit other sexual places, this is "home"."

It feels like in this text a lot of her attraction is based on security, she knows where she is with butches (or at least she thinks she does, I mean she spends enough time pigeon holing them!), she can easily refer relationships with butches to her past, it is her 'home'....I mean even that statement sugguests a reference to her past, probably her family, there is nothing wrong with that in itself but I don't think its down to some essential femme-ness, it is very much constructed, and very much about her fantasy/desire, not her nature. I think I would appreciate that statement more if she recognised that or at least considered it. (B)

"No one ever "trained" me or mentored me on how to be with butches or how to understand their maleness. I just knew. In fact, there is a dual reality that I experience in sex with a TG butch. I am aware of the mechanics of what I am experiencing physically. But mentally and in some deep, essential way, I am actually experiencing something else."

Does anyone ever train anyone on how they should interact with their lovers? ...hmm....well yes, everbody does, everybody IS taught how to be with people, and butch-femme has plenty of referances from mainstream relationship models. so yes, she did get taught it, again it is not some 'natural', 'core', 'Deeper' or 'essential' part of who she is, it is just as constructed and invented as everybody elses. (B)

"I found that I needed to deconstruct my femininity, because it was layered with an assumed orientation towards men. I gradually and consciously reconstructed it as a means of self expression, both true to my core identity and as it is oriented toward butches."

Again she talks about her 'core identity', and also talks about this identity 'orienting toward butches' and the act of this replacement, instead of orienting toward men, is a radical deconstruction/reconstruction of her gender identity. I don't believe that your identity should be created through what group of people you want to orient towards, I think to reconstruct your identity with in mind the set group you aim to attract is ignoring the diversity of that group (i.e butches, trans, ftms), a group does not desire collectively towards another group, individuals have varying desires to certain attributes all of which no matter how much you design yourself you will only attract the ones that desire those attributes and these are just as likely to be Femmes, andro's, straight men as they are butches. Butch is usually only part of someones identity, it may effect alot of the rest of there identity but it is still only part. There is no core just a series of layers or masks.(B)

'LW: Core identity' is something of an oxymoron, isn't it?

I agree, identity to me is just a tool of describing ourselves, our identity isn't ourselves, it is describing ourselves through language (with words, labels, signs etc). It is something we project, it is from us but isn't us. We describe ourselves by comparing and similarising ourselves with things that already exist, I'm a bit like an orange for example may give somebody an idea of what I'm like (if I was infact like an orange), but they would have to taste me to find out for sure. If we make up a new language to describe ourselves people won't understand, and even if we did the language still would be language and not actually who we are. (b)

"when I lost trust in the very ground I walked upon. That which I had thought would always be stable, was shown to be otherwise"

Her unstable ground is quite similar to that of anybody who subscribes to fixed genderoles and had them questioned, I don't see the difference between this and relying on the binary fixed gender system.(B)

LW: I think her stable ground analogy isn't about relying on the 'fixedness' of her partner's identity, but relying on the stability of the word "never" he uses in relation to his identity ie. being able to trust what someone says about their self, hence the later comment "I learned not to trust his own self-awareness".

Yes, I suppose your right, but I don't really feel sympathy with that particular issue because a lot of people say never, you should not believe in the word never. I remember saying I'd never kiss boys when I was a kid and more recently even I said I'd never have sex with men, I have and will probably again. You know, people change. She probably has said never and contradicted it herself. I feel sympathy with the fact that her life and love totally changed, but I don't think saying 'I will never...' is some sort of contract. (b)

"Post-transition, Dean was truly a man in bed. A good lover... but very, very male... and not very butch at all."

What does this mean? what is very male as opposed to very butch? if he is still a good lover whats the difference? that must mean he is good in a different way, but what way is that? is it because he is no longer stone so there for not as mysterious? is it because he actually cares about his own satisfaction? ...why? (B)

"I have heard many times from TG butches that they prefer bisexual women, because such women may be more open to and appreciative of male energy"

'Male energy', whats that? again, shes talking about some essential way of being, like he is male on the inside or something... I don't believe this can be the case.(B)

LW: These last two sets of comments need more explanation! But they seem related to her points about taking testosterone, and it making permanent changes to a person i.e

'''"if you take T, you will be a different person... emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually."'''

LW: I'd be interested to read what people who've taken testosterone say about this. What are these changes? What happens if you then stop taking testosterone?

"I am a femme for myself: feminine and queer. Never straight, but never androgynous. I am all girl, couldn't be any other way without a piece of me dying inside. But yes, I am for a butch. I am most femme when I am with a butch. The more masculine and "true" a butch he is, down to his core, the stronger my sense of "femmeness" becomes."

What does it mean to be 'all girl'? what does it mean to be butch down to his core? what is 'true' butchness? I have a feeling that maybe when this guy transitioned he maybe became a little more secure in his gender, and therefore able to explore other aspects to his personality rather than being insecure and clinging onto butchness, is that what she misses, his almost stereotyped butchness, his over butchness... his fixed role but yet insecure role? (B)

"What turns me on so much, far beyond the physical sensation, is the essence of the butch-femme sexual dynamic. And the edge. The gender-fuck, fuck-the-world, THIS is what I am, what I WANT, give it to me! I am a girl who likes cock. But I also know that I want a butch cock, not a flesh cock. It is the "butch-ness" of a butch cock, rather than the "cock-ness" of it, that makes me want this kind of sex so much and makes it so deeply satisfying to me. Straight up, I feel so FEMME when I'm being fucked by a butch with his dick. And I love feeling my femme energy surge."

This sounds like it could be from mills and boon... I think its great she has this great fantasy and desire for her role and her lovers role, but I wish she wouldn't put it down to some 'essence' or 'energy' and put it down to what it is simply, her erotic, fetishized role-play, granted, butch-femme is more than just a sexual role-play it is also about many behavoural and physical characteristics that we use in the everyday, but it isn't essential and just because she loves it sexually doesn't mean it affirms its nature, it just gets her off! nothing wrong with that just wish she'd say it thats all.. (B)

"I believe that FTM identity is not simply the endpoint on the continuum of butch masculinity"

Well we agree on something! but i don't believe it is even a continuum...and just the fact she called it a continuum perpetuates a linear way of thinking about gender. (B)

I suppose continuum doesn't nessesarily represent a line or path, but it seems to imply a direction (i.e forward), thinking in terms of direction limits our potencial to explain our idenity)- (B)

"It is also worth noting that, while it seems a given to most non-trans, non-queer people that an FTM has the ultimate goal of becoming a "man", this is simply not true for everyone. It is a highly personal journey, with extremely varied objectives."

YAY!! it is! well done, and so is everyones, well some people don't have objectives either... hmmmm..... is the word objectives also just a perpetuation of the linear? .... hmmmm......?? (B)

---

(Italics LW -not coming to group mtg)

(Comments with (B) next to them are by Bovver_Boi)

Bold text by the author Sonya Bolus, author of Transgendered butches and FTMs: a uniquely femme perspective

Mourning for the romantic dream

2006-03-05T03:57:01Z

Mourning for the romantic dream that died
The last piece of hope a shivelled spec of dead skin floating in the wind and into a gravelly puddle.
Gripping onto its deceased nothingness with all might, sifting through the muddy water (it can't be gone!!!)
Hope of happyness and love.
Ram sacked of sole,
shreds of a heart sink further down into the pit of the broken elevator.
the Spaces that were once desperately stuffed with the images of ego are now just empty and sunken.
all that will heal it is the child of what has just died.
But no children go to this funeral.
and all it took to save its life was one shred of bravery from one sorry-arsed person. Then it would of been revived. but nobody noticed.
No sole, just memories of possiblities, images of images.
Every cell in this building wants that possibility back.
Mumurs of lost hope echo inside a cold abandoned dark tower block while screeching bats and spiders make their homes. .
Then one match is dropped and the last of life is lost.
Explosion, fire, rain, sizzle,
soggy charcoal wreckage, the smell of melted plastic,
the silence of no life.

Desire is suffering

2006-03-05T03:55:04Z

esire is suffering and I fucking desire!!

I've come to some conclusions about love. Love is simply an addiction. It is when you become addicted to a person. Some people are more addictive than others and this depends on how they effect your body and mind. There is different kinds of love and the different kinds of love are like the different kinds of addiction. For example, caffeine gives you a kick and you can drink a lot of it and have no detremental effects (in the short-term), its readily available (this also effects how you are addicted to it), it can make you perform better, it can keep you going, this kind of addiction is like the addiction you have to love from your friends or maye your 'scene'. Alchohol makes you loose your inhibitions, do fun things, is readily available but socially unexceptable to drink all the time (usually evenings and night times or perhaps a sunday afternoon is exceptable) this is like the addiction you have for like a really good sexual partner, after drinking a bit you can usually do with out it for while unless you drink a lot you become dependant on it.

Now, that kind of love which is devastating and wonderful at the same time, is something like Opiates, it makes you feel really amazing and carefree when your on it, like nothing else matters, and when you withdraw (get dumped) its terrible, so much you wanna hurt yourself, you can't sleep, you have bad dreams, you become aggressive, you try any method you can to get some more of what you want (aggression, begging, persuasion etc). After you have gone cold turkey you still crave so sometimes you'll replace that addiction with another like alchohol, pain (cutting yourself, fighting or maybe SM), weed...anything just to make you forget yor primary desire... the one you love.

The same way opiates seem kind of glamourous and exciting (mainly in Films), that kind of intense but fatal love is glamorised, people love the idea of it, people write songs about it, make films about it. Why is it that most songs are either about Love or Drugs? ... its because they are one and the same. Nobody sings about a nice cup of tea? or a loyal friend do they?

So whats my conclusion, Being 'in Love' is bad for a persons health instead we should try and maintain our friendships (but not to depend on them), don't ever do it! have a good diet and do some exercise INSTEAD of chasing some 'soulmate' all the time, because they're not your soulmate! they are simply an addiction that will either take over your life or break you. Thats just the way it is.